George Carlin's 10(ish) Commandments

George Carlin On The Ten Commandments

I have a problem with the Ten Commandments. Here it is: Why are there ten? We don't need that many. I think the list of commandments was deliberately and artificially inflated to get it up to ten. It's clearly a padded list.

Here's how it happened: About five thousand years ago, a bunch of reli­gious and political hustlers got together to figure out how they could control people and keep them in line. They knew people were basically stupid and would believe anything they were told, so these guys announced that God— God personally—had given one of them a list of Ten Commandments that he wanted everyone to follow. They claimed the whole thing took place on a mountaintop, when no one else was around.

But let me ask you something: When these guys were sittin' around the tent makin' all this up, why did they pick ten? Why ten? Why not nine, or eleven? I'll tell you why. Because ten sounds important. Ten sounds official. They knew if they tried eleven, people wouldn't take them seriously. People would say, "What're you kiddin' me? The Eleven Commandments? Get the fuck outta here!"

But ten! Ten sounds important. Ten is the basis for the decimal system; it's a decade. It's a psychologically satisfying number: the top ten; the ten most wanted; the ten best-dressed. So deciding on Ten Commandments was clearly a marketing decision. And it's obviously a bullshit list. In truth, it's a politic; document, artificially inflated to sell better.

I'm going to show you how you can reduce the number of commandments and come up with a list that's a bit more logical and realistic. We'll start with the first three, and I'll use the Roman Catholic version because those are the ones I was fed as a little boy.

• I AM THE LORD THY GOD, THOU SHALT NOT HAVE STRANGE
GODS BEFORE ME.

• THOU SHALT NOT TAKE THE NAME OF THE LORD THY GOD IN
VAIN.

• THOU SHALT KEEP HOLY THE SABBATH.

Okay, right off the bat, the first three commandments—pure bullshit "Sabbath day," "Lord's name," "strange gods." Spooky language. Spooky language designed to scare and control primitive people. In no way does superstitious mumbo jumbo like this apply to the lives of intelligent, civilized human in the twenty-first century. You throw out the first three commandments, am you're down to seven.

•HONOR THY FATHER AND MOTHER.

This commandment is about obedience and respect for authority; in other words it's simply a device for controlling people. The truth is, obedience and respect should not be granted automatically. They should be earned. They should be based on the parents' (or the authority figure's) performance. Some parents deserve respect. Most of them don't. Period. We're down to six.

Now, in the interest of logic—something religion has a really hard time with—I'm going to skip around the list a little bit:

• THOU SHALT NOT STEAL.

• THOU SHALT NOT BEAR FALSE WITNESS.

Stealing and lying. Actually, when you think about it, these two com­mandments cover the same sort of behavior: dishonesty. Stealing and lying. So we don't need two of them. Instead, we combine these two and call it "Thou shalt not be dishonest." Suddenly we're down to five.

And as long as we're combining commandments I have two others that be­long together:

• THOU SHALT NOT COMMIT ADULTERY.

• THOU SHALT NOT COVET THY NEIGHBOR'S WIFE.

Once again, these two prohibit the same sort of behavior; in this case, mar­ital infidelity. The difference between them is that coveting takes place in the mind. And I don't think you should outlaw fantasizing about someone else's wife, otherwise what's a guy gonna think about when he's flogging his dong?

But marital fidelity is a good idea, so I suggest we keep the idea and call this commandment "Thou shalt not be unfaithful." Suddenly we're down to four.

And when you think about it further, honesty and fidelity are actually parts of the same overall value. So, in truth, we could combine the two honesty commandments with the two fidelity commandments, and, using positive lan­guage instead of negative, call the whole thing "Thou shalt always be honest and faithful." And now we're down to three.

•THOU SHALT NOT COVET THY NEIGHBOR'S GOODS.

This one is just plain stupid. Coveting your neighbor's goods is what keeps the economy going: Your neighbor gets a vibrator that plays "O Come All Ye Faithful," you want to get one, too. Coveting creates jobs. Leave it alone.

You throw out coveting and you're down to two now: the big, combined honesty/fidelity commandment, and the one we haven't mentioned yet:

•THOU SHALT NOT KILL.

Murder. The Fifth Commandment. But, if you give it a little thought, you realize that religion has never really had a problem with murder. Not really. More people have been killed in the name of God than for any other reason.

To cite a few examples, just think about Irish history, the Middle East, the Crusades, the Inquisition, our own abortion-doctor killings and, yes, the World Trade Center to see how seriously religious people take Thou Shalt Not Kill. Apparently, to religious folks—especially the truly devout—murder is ne­gotiable. It just depends on who's doing the killing and who's getting killed.

And so, with all of this in mind, folks, I offer you my revised list of the Two Commandments:

First:

•THOU SHALT ALWAYS BE HONEST AND FAITHFUL, ESPECIALLYTO THE PROVIDER OF THY NOOKIE.

And second:

•THOU SHALT TRY REAL HARD NOT TO KILL ANYONE, UNLESS,
OF COURSE, THEY PRAY TO A DIFFERENT INVISIBLE AVENGER
THAN THE ONE YOU PRAY TO.

Two is all you need, folks. Moses could have carried them down the hill in his pocket. And if we had a list like that, I wouldn't mind that brilliant judge in Alabama displaying it prominently in his courthouse lobby. As long he in­cluded one additional commandment:

•THOU SHALT KEEP THY RELIGION TO THYSELF!!!

From George Carlin – When Will Jesus Bring the Pork Chops (2004)

Lonnie's Questions 11-20

11)If the Bible is not true, why is it so universally regarded as "the Good Book"?  It's only considered that by those who buy into the fictional story that it portrays. not "universally"

12)Did you know that the Bible has been the number one bestseller almost every single year since the 1436 invention of the Gutenberg printing press? I have heard that but...It is not on the NY Times best seller list for any of the last 15 years. Because there are many variations of religious books  it is nearly impossible to find reliable sales figures for them. Print figures are missing or unreliable since these books are produced by many different and unrelated publishers. Furthermore, many copies of the Bible, the Qur'an and the Bhagavad Gita are printed and given away free, instead of being sold 

13)If God does not exist, then from where comes humanity's universal moral sense? Society crafts its morals based on what is acceptable at the time, as we realize treating women and other races as property is wrong we modify our laws and our morals as well. A society based on the moral standards in the bible would be a society we in America would not recognize or condone. 

14)If man is nothing but the random arrangement of molecules, what motivates you to care and to live honorably in the world? The same thing that causes any social animal to "care" it is mutually beneficial for me to act in a way that is good for me and my society. 

15)Can you explain how personality could have ever evolved from the impersonal, or how order could have ever resulted from chaos? Personality is a result of many interactions with others and is modified over time based on those interactions. 

16)If Jesus' resurrection was faked, why would twelve intelligent men (Jesus' disciples) have been willing to face death for what they knew to be a lie? 2 of many possible answers 1) perhaps they were also duped 2) maybe they weren't that intelligent

 

17)How do you explain the fact that a single, relatively uneducated and virtually untraveled man, dead at age 33, radically changed lives and society to this day? Sounds to me like he was well traveled for the day,  Steve Jobs founded Apple aged 21, Richard Branson founded the Virgin Group aged 20, Mark Zuckerberg set up Facebook aged 20, talk about radically changing the world at a young age. Alexander the Great became king at 20. But I don't consider any of them to be gods either.

18)Why have so many of history's greatest thinkers been believers? The threat of being killed for being a heretic. That's why "history's greatest thinkers" were. Today's greatest are not, take that threat away and they are free to express their opinion and follow the evidence.
 
19)Have you ever wondered why thousands of intelligent scientists, living and dead, have been men and women of great faith? Public pressure and others choose to ignore the evidence(lack of) because they are comfortable not questioning something they grew up with. 

20)If time never had a beginning, but rather goes backwards infinitely or has gone through an infinite number of cycles, then how is it possible that we are here today? Because if we weren't, you wouldn't have been able to copy and paste this question onto my facebook. That's like me asking why am I here now and not born 50 years ago or 50 years from now. Me being here only proves that I am here and nothing supernatural.

Answering Lonnie's questions 4-10

4)How do you explain David's graphic portrayal of Jesus' death by crucifixion (Psalm 22) 1000 years before Christ lived?
Well to start, psalms is not considered a book of prophesy but a book of poetry.This is shown by its placement in both the Bible and the Torah, where it is placed with other poetic works. Also it is preceded with a note that says,To the Chief Musician. Set to “The Deer of the Dawn.” indicating it's poetic nature. Yes it was (supposedly) written by David who was himself persecuted by Saul, making it much more likely that when it was written, it was written about events that were contemporary to David. Apologists refer to "they pierced my hands and feet" as being the proof that this refers to the crucifixion. They ignore much of the rest of the passage which refers to "the bulls of Bashan" and "Save Me from the lion’s mouth and from the horns of the wild oxen". During which part of his crucifixion was he being attacked by wild oxen? This sounds more like the pleadings of someone who had to fight off oxen and lions in the coliseum than a crucifixion. 
 
5)How do you explain that the prophet Daniel prophesied the exact YEAR when the Christ would be presented as Messiah and also prophesied that the temple would be destroyed afterwards over 500 years in advance (Daniel 9:24-27)?
Many people believe that this refers to the Antichrist and the end times. In regards to predicting the year, that's only with convenient math. It requires that when it says week you assume year and then multiply that by 7. Daniel 9:24 says "70 weeks", but we are supposed to consider this 490 years. With this kind of math it doesn't matter when it happened you would just change the multiplier to make the prophecy fit the event. Unconvincing.

6)How could any mere human pinpoint the precise birth town of the Messiah seven full centuries before the fact, as did the prophet Micah?
Micah 5:2 which is usuall quoted as "pinpointing the birthplace" of Jesus only claims that "one who is to be a ruler in Israel on my behalf will come out from you" referring to Bethlehem.  So in short, he didn't.
 
7)How do you account for the odds (1 in 10 to the 157th power) that even just 48 (of 300) Old Testament prophecies were fulfilled in Jesus Christ?
Selective interpretation. 

8)How was it possible for the Old Testament prophet Isaiah to have predicted the virgin birth of Jesus (Isaiah 7:14) 700 years before it occurred?
Because the myth of the virgin birth has been used in many mythologies, and would have been familiar to many people at the time. Jesus was certainly not the first "virgin birth" 
 
9)How can anyone doubt the reliability of Scripture considering the number and the proximity to the originals of its many copied manuscripts?
There are millions of copies of Jurassic Park out there, all identical to the original, but I don't think there is an island of dinosaurs any more than I think Jesus was the son of an imaginary god that created everything. Actually I think there is a better chance that there could be a dinosaur island.

10)In what sense was Jesus a "good man" if He was lying in His claim to be God?

I know plenty of good people, and if they suddenly were delusional and thought they were god they would probably still be good people. You are assuming  1)I think he was a good person and 2)if he was lying about that one thing, couldn't be a good person.

New Billboards in New York

American Atheists is putting up 2 new billboards in New York city. They will be going up on Monday, one on Broadway and one in Brooklyn.

The bottom one will be in Brooklyn and targeting the Jewish community. A recent Gallup poll found that 53% of Jews identify as nonreligious, there's a good chance that some of them are actually atheist but that it's just tough to be open about.

The top one will be on Broadway in a Muslim neighborhood. To the left of the English, is the Arabic symbol for Allah.

Surprisingly, so far there has been very little controversy about these billboards, at least in the national news.